When men reach a certain level of thirstbucketry my urethra slams shut like a penis fly trap, and I’m sad to say that this critical juncture in my fake relationship with supermodel of the world River Viiperi has occurred. The bich has lost the plot. And I don’t stan. I can’t even pee because of my aforementioned urethra situation! It’s bad ya’ll.
River really is one gorgeous slice of man meat, and the twenty-eight-year-old’s body has remained unchanged since he entered the modeling game practically a decade ago. But an unhinged social media presence can do wonders for tempering a man’s sex appeal. In his latest video River Viiperi dances to Eminem before turning around to flash his butt. And it’s dark in the middle – like a reverse Oreo – which would normally be right down my alley. But sadly not today. Do you think men can go too far on social media, or is this just 1/10th of the thirstbucketry you expect from your fav starlets? Spillz!
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So far my new @Garmin #MarqAthlete is helping me control my rythms. Now I just need a good bike (I think it’s on the way @kanaolabikes 
) and to work on my running. 
Do you think I’ll beat them!? I have to finish it in less than 2h and 30min. 
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Photo Credit: Instagram
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